naill_renfro (naill_renfro) wrote,
naill_renfro
naill_renfro

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows book parody

As I kept trying to put together an OOTP movie parody, the Deathly Hallows seemed to call out to me instead: "Parody us!" So here it is.  It's chock full of spoilers (and probably typos, too), so I've hidden the whole thing behind the cut.  An homage to the end of a series whose like I fear we shall not see again.  What will the next big fandom thing be?

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS
 
Chapter 1: The Dark Lord Ascending
CHARITY BURBAGE: Severus, help!
SNAPE: Like I helped Dumbledore?
CHARITY BURBAGE: Yes… Wait… No! (dies)
 
Chapter 2: In Memoriam
DAILY PROPHET: It might surprise you to learn that not everything Dumbledore did in his fifteen decades of life was admirable.
HARRY: Oh, it’s in the Prophet, it must be true!
 
Chapter 3: The Dursleys Departing
DURSLEYS: Bye.
DUDLEY: I don’t hate you, Harry. This surprises me as much as it does you.
HARRY: I don’t hate you either. Weird, huh?
 
Chapter 4: The Seven Potters
JKR (v.o.): Now the intro is out of the way. A lot of stuff happens in this chapter.
REAL! MAD-EYE MOODY: Everyone drink this potion so you can turn into Harry.
(Everyone does.)
REAL! MAD-EYE MOODY: Now change into these copies of Harry’s robes.
(Everyone does.)
HARRY: You know, Fleur and Hermione, it really would have been more considerate of you to change *first,* and *then* drink the potion. I’m just saying.
ARTHUR, FRED, GEORGE, HAGRID, KINGSLEY, MUNDUNGUS (eew), & RON: We concur.
FLEUR and HERMIONE: Wait for the movie, boys.
About 375 MILLION (mostly male) READERS: (swoon)
BILL and LUPIN: Under the circumstances, it’s best that we say nothing at all.
FLEUR and TONKS: Damn straight.
REAL! MAD-EYE MOODY: It’s all one to me.
FLEUR, TONKS and HERMIONE: That eye of his isn’t *decent.*
 
DEATH EATERS: Surprise! Snape told us you’d be here.
HEDWIG: (dies)
About 750 MILLION READERS: OMGWTF – Nooooo!!!! Not Hedwig!!!!
JKR (v.o.): Muahahahaha!
About 750 MILLION READERS: (are still going over that page to see how it could have happened)
 
STAN SHUNPIKE: (Is a Death Eater after all. Sort of. Darn.)
HARRY: Expelliarmus! I’m the real Harry Potter!
VOLDEMORT: Check this out! I can fly!
FLYING MOTORCYCLE: Crashes.
 
Chapter 5: Fallen Warrior
TED TONKS: My wife, who you just insulted, and I saved your life – Hagrid’s too – and are very worried about our daughter. Here’s a Portkey.
HARRY: kthxbye
 
REAL! MAD-EYE MOODY: (Is dead)
LUPIN: Harry, you’re an idiot. Just thought I’d point that out.
GEORGE: From now on I wish to be known as Mad-Ear Weasley.
 
Chapter 6: The Ghoul in Pyjamas
MOLLY: Harry, Ron, and Hermione, you’re not allowed to talk to each other.
HARRY: I wish we had some books on Horcruxes.
HERMIONE: It’s a lucky thing I stole all of Dumbledore’s overdue library books, then.
HARRY: OK, how do we get rid of them?
HERMIONE: Wait for an overdue-fine amnesty day, then return them to Madam Pince?
HARRY: No, I mean the Horcruxes.
HERMIONE: Well, you can stab them with a basilisk fang…
HARRY: I knew that.
RON: If only we knew of some secret chamber where there was a basilisk – preferably a dead one.
 
GABRIELLE DELACOUR: (to Harry) *flirt*
GINNY: *Jealousy!*
HARRY: Dude, she’s *eleven.*
GINNY: So was I, once! Do you remember?
HARRY: Er, no, actually. Should I?
GINNY: *Rage*
 
Chapter 7: The Will of Albus Dumbledore
HARRY: Rosebud. I mean Gregorovitch. Hey, I can do magic legally now! For one day, until I become an outlaw again.
RON: Harry, let me give you advice on charming witches. After that, I’ll go tutor Hermione on Arithmancy and teach my brother Charlie a thing or two about dragons.
HARRY: Right, thanks.
MOLLY: Here’s a watch that belonged to my brother Fabian, who you know, although I’ve never told you, was Fabian Prewett, and who, along with my other brother Gideon, was killed in the last Wizards’ War.
HARRY: Gee, wristwatches get mentioned in these books an awful lot, and now I’ve just been given a magical one with a tragic history. Does that mean it’s going to be important?
JKR (v.o.): No.
HARRY: OK, just checking.
 
GINNY: Harry, come in here, so I can give you a “birthday present,” too. Something to remember me by.
HARRY & GINNY: (preliminary snog)
RON: (badly mis-timed protective rage) Blocked!
EMBARRASSED! HERMIONE: Not cool, Ron.
 
RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR: Hi, Harry. I hate you.
HARRY: I hate you too.
RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR: Dumbledore left you some useless crap. I tried to figure out if there were any hidden messages or anything, but couldn’t. Now you try while I watch.
HARRY: You’re such a wuss.
RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR: Wizard boy I keel you! But even under torture I will not reveal your whereabouts to Lord Voldemort, so I’ll get a heroic death, even if it is off-screen.
SUNDRY OTHER CHARACTERS DUE TO DIE OFFSCREEN AND UNDESCRIBED: Lucky sod.
 
HARRY, RON and HERMIONE: Let’s go see if we can figure out what to do with these plot points Dumbledore left us.
RON and HERMIONE: Nope, nothing.
HARRY: Well, I got a useless, cryptic message to appear on mine. What is this, Harry Potter and the Da Vinci Code?
 
Chapter 8: The Wedding
BILL and FLEUR: (get married)
FRED and GEORGE (get lucky)
KRUM (gets nothing)
MINISTRY OF MAGIC (gets pwned)
SCRIMGEOUR (gets killed)
HARRY, RON and HERMIONE: (get moving)
 
Chapter 9: A Place to Hide
HERMIONE: Lucky I packed everything we might need in this tiny magical bag. Let’s go to a lousy Muggle café. Is there anything good about the Muggle world, at all?
JKR (v.o.): No. Except your parents.
HERMIONE: Why don’t they get any screen time, then?
JKR (v.o.): Don’t ask so many questions; it makes me send Death Eaters to your café.
DEATH EATERS: (fight, lose)
HARRY: Let’s go hide out in Number 12 Grimmauld Place, which I own, and which Snape has told Voldemort used to be the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, and where Bellatrix LeStrange used to live. No one will ever think of looking for us there!
RON and HERMIONE: Good idea!
 
Chapter 10: Kreacher's Tale
KREACHER: Waah waah everybody’s mean to poor Kreacher except Master Regulus who got killed trying to get some kind of revenge on Lord Voldemort after he, Lord Voldemort, tried to kill Kreacher but then he, Master Regulus, saved Kreacher and then he died in Kreacher’s place and told Kreacher to destroy the locket but Kreacher couldn’t and now everybody’s mean to Kreacher again.
HERMIONE: I’m not.
KREACHER: Yeah, but you’re a filthy Mudblood scum.
HERMIONE: Okay, I take it back.
HARRY: About the locket again. Also, I order you to use first person pronouns.
KREACHER: Thief! Fletcherses! We hates it! We hates it forever!
HARRY: Right, now we’re getting somewhere. Bring me Mundungus Fletcher, alive, please, and I’ll be nice to you and overlook the fact that you conspired to kill my godfather. Have a plot point from the last book. And try working on singular pronouns, too.
KREACHER: Kreacher (hearts) Master!
 
Chapter 11: The Bribe
LUPIN: Hi, Harry. I’ve decided to desert my pregnant wife and come on a quest with you that will almost certainly get me killed, so that I won’t have to face up to the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood.
HARRY: Lupin, you’re a coward.
LUPIN: (magical smackdown)(storms out)
RON and HERMIONE: That went well.
KREACHER: (appears, with Mundungus)
MUNDUNGUS: Hi, Harry. I gave one of your plot points to Dolores Umbridge.
HARRY: Right. Kreacher, would you take out the trash, please?
MUNDUNGUS: (is never seen or heard from again)
 
Chapter 12: Magic is Might
MINISTRY OF MAGIC: (is evil now)
 
Chapter 13: The Muggle-Born Registration Commission
UMBRIDGE: (Uses Mad-Eye’s mad eye to spy on her employees in ways and for reasons that we don’t even want to think about.)
HARRY: Look, guys, we’re going to have to speed the action up a bit if we want to get through this. Cattermoles, flee the country. Umbridge, I’ll take that Horcrux, thx.
 
Chapter 14: The Thief
(Death Eaters have discovered 12 Grimmauld Place; trio are on the run again.)
 
Chapter 15: The Goblin's Revenge
HARRY: I keep remembering a merry, blond-haired boy. Swimming. Tantalizingly.
READERS: Are you sure you’ve punctuated that statement correctly?
 
GRIPHOOK: Important plot bulletin: The sword in the Lestranges’ vault is a fake! This will be important later, but we’ll leave it out of this condensed version, because this is all getting too complicated.
DEAN THOMAS: You and I are the only people in this little band of fugitives who will be alive by the end of the book.
 
RON: Harry, remember the snit I had after you became a Triwizard Champion? Well, that was nothing compared to the one I’m about to have. Good luck with the saving-the-world thing. Oh, you get Hermione, too.
HERMIONE: What?!?!
HMS HARMONY: Yay!
 
Chapter 16: Godric's Hollow
HARRY: Hermione, now that it’s just the two of us in this tent, I thought that maybe…
HMS HARMONY: (eager anticipation)
HERMIONE: If you try anything, I’ll snap your wand in half.
HMS HARMONY: Ouch!
HARRY: …Er, maybe we could keep trying to find Horcruxes or something, that’s all.
 
HARRY: Let’s go to Godric’s Hollow and visit my parents’ graves! And the Dumbledore family’s! And lots of others! And the house where my parents were murdered! For Christmas!
HERMIONE: Er, Harry, I’m trying not to say “morbid…”
HARRY: Hey, seventeen is my emo year.
 
Chapter 17: Bathilda's Secret
BATHILDA: Some secret. I’m dead, and my body is being animated by a giant snake stuffed inside it. Also, here’s another plot point, or bulletin, or something – anyone keeping track?
MUGGLENET.COM, THE-LEAKY-CAULDRON.ORG, etc.: Yes!
NAGINI: Hey, Voldy, I’ve got ‘im!
HARRY: No you don’t, nana nana boo boo. (Grabs Hermione: “She shrieked with pain as he pulled her back across the bed.” Really.)
HMS HARMONY: A bit kinky, but OK.
VOLDEMORT: Curses, foiled again!
HERMIONE: (snaps Harry’s wand in half)
HARRY: Hey, what was that for? I didn’t try anything!
HERMIONE: What about all that pulling me back across the bed stuff?
HARRY: Hello? Nagini? He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Escaping?
 
Chapter 18: The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore
HERMIONE: I stole this cool book from Bathilda’s house. It’s by our favorite insect, Rita Skeeter.
HARRY: Oh, it’s by Rita Skeeter, it must be true!
RITA’S BOOK: Dumbledore was a manipulative old schemer. Also, he used to be best friends with Gesundheit Grindelwald, and he probably killed his sister. Dumbledore’s sister, that is, not Grindelwald’s. If he, Grindelwald, even had a sister.
HARRY: (sulk) Ben, why didn’t you tell me?!?
 
Chapter 19: The Silver Doe
SILVER DOE: I’m obviously a Patronus. Guess whose?
HARRY: Well, my mother’s, seeing as how my father’s was a stag. Mine is too, but don’t draw any Oedipal conclusions from that.
SILVER DOE: Wrong. Snape’s!
HARRY: Urk. Also eeeww. Also, which is more disturbing – that Snape’s Patronus is a doe and my father’s was a stag, or that that Snape’s Patronus is a doe and mine is a stag?
SLASH WRITERS: Read our stories and see!
HARRY: Also, why are you telling me this? Isn’t it supposed to be a surprise?
SILVER DOE: Anyone who’s reading this already knows; there’s a spoiler alert at the top.
HARRY: What sword is that, that yonder the ice holdeth below the water?
SILVER DOE: That is the sword of Godric Gryffindor, duh, and if ye will give me a gift when I ask it you, ye shall have it.
HARRY: Deal. (strips & jumps in freezing water; someone out there really enjoys this part)
HORCRUX: Wizard boy I keel you!
RON: I’m back! Also, jumping in wearing the Horcrux was pretty dumb.
HARRY: I couldn’t take it off. It has become … precious… to me.
 
HORCRUX: Ron, your mother likes Ginny better than you. Also, here’s what Harry and Hermione were up to while you were gone. And they were wearing *me* while they did it! (displays Harry/Hermione 3D porn)
HMS HARMONY: Just tell us they’ll have *that* in the movie, and we won’t ask for anything more!
HARMONY PURISTS: But they’re soul mates, not… um, never mind. We can live with this.
RON: (Kills Horcrux)
READERS: Just when it was getting interesting!
 
RON: Honey, I’m home!
HERMIONE: Weasley boy I keel you!
RON: Wha’? Harry’s cool with it – what’s your problem?
HARRY: I’d back off if I were you, mate – she snapped my wand in half.
RON: Ouch!
 
Chapter 20: Xenophilius Lovegood
XENOPHILIUS: Hi. You present me with a moral crisis. But it’s not very funny.
 
Chapter 21: The Tale of the Three Brothers
XENOPHILIUS: Deathly Hallows blah blah blah even more plot points blah blah blah I’m turning you over to the Death Eaters blah blah blah Harry you and Voldemort are some sort of cousins.
 
Chapter 22: The Deathly Hallows
HARRY: I’ve got a great idea. Let’s forget these Horcruxes and go off on a new quest based on a story the guy who publishes stories about Fudge eating goblins in pies told to us to distract us while waiting for Death Eaters to come and get us.
RON and HERMIONE: Um…
HARRY: Plus, wouldn’t it be cool to live with dead people?
RON and HERMIONE: Um…
HARRY: Hey, I *told* you this was my emo year. Also, Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort!
DEATH EATERS: Gotcha. Why do you think you’re not supposed to say his name, duh?
 
Chapter 23: Malfoy Manor
(Lots of bad stuff happens. HERMIONE gets severely tortured by BELLATRIX LESTRANGE, and the DOBBY gets the only truly heroic death scene in the entire book, rescuing everyone. It is, as Luna – possibly the only person in the wizarding world except Hagrid capable of expressing unselfconscious sorrow – points out, unfair.)
 
Chapter 24: The Wandmaker
HARRY: So then I grabbed Draco’s wand with my right hand, and forced it to do my bidding. And now you’re saying I’ve made myself its master, and Draco’s wand must serve me in any way I wish?
OLLIVANDER: Harry, this is no time for slash.
 
VOLDEMORT: My wand isn’t powerful enough. It might be longer than Lucius Malfoy’s, but it’s not stronger than Harry Potter’s! I must have… Dumbledore’s wand! I will steal it from his corpse!
READERS: Eeeww.
VOLDEMORT: Hey, I’m evil. Get over it.
 
Chapter 25: Shell Cottage
LUPIN: Tonks and I are parents now! Harry, will you be little Teddy’s godfather?
HARRY: Like Sirius was for me, until my parents got k… I’ve got a bad feeling about this. Also, considering our previous two interactions in this book, why?
 
Chapter 26: Gringotts
DRAGON: Well, thief! I smell you and I feel your air. I hear your breath. Come along! Who are you and where do you come from?
HARRY: I came from a little whinging, but no whinging came out of me. Oh, and I’m looking for a cup. Here it is – gotta go – kthxbye.
DRAGON: Wizard boy I keel you!
HARRY: How about giving us a ride instead, and we’ll use magic to bust you out of here?
DRAGON: Deal.
 
Chapter 27: The Final Hiding Place
VOLDEMORT: (discovers ring is gone) Thief! Potterses! We hates it! We hates it forever!
HARRY: (Reading Voldemort’s mind) You can’t use that joke. Kreacher already did, in Chapter 10, and I made a Gollum reference of my own in Chapter 19.
VOLDEMORT: I am the Dark Lord, and I will say whatever I like! A joke’s not funny until *I* tell it!
 
Chapter 28: The Missing Mirror
ABERFORTH DUMBLEDORE: My brother was a self-centered jerk who got lots of people killed or hurt. Run away. Run away, Harry, and never come back!
HARRY: No, thanks.
ABERFORTH DUMBLEDORE: Right, then, here’s Neville.
 
Chapter 29: The Lost Diadem
NEVILLE: Harry! You’re back! We can liberate Hogwarts now!
HARRY: After six years, don’t you know how this works yet? I will use your efforts to accomplish my own ends, then discard you.
LUNA, DEAN, GINNY, FRED, GEORGE, LEE JORDAN, and CHO CHANG: Hi Harry! We’re all prepared to fight and die for Hogwarts! So don’t get all self-important and secretive now, like Dumbledore always did.
HARRY: OK, I take it back. Anyone know what the Diadem of Ravenclaw looks like?
CHO: I can show you, if you want to come for a private stroll.
GINNY: (Jealousy) Hands off!
HARRY: Oh, right. Voldemort will be here any minute with every Death Eater, Dementor and unfriendly giant in the British Isles, and you think we’re going to take time out for a quick snog?
GINNY: Hey, you’re teenagers. Luna can show him.
HARRY: Yes, Luna, show me!
LUNA: Can I really?
HARRY/LUNA SHIPPERS: Yes! Yes!
 
ALECTO CARROW: Surprise!
 
Chapter 30: The Sacking of Severus Snape
LUNA: (stuns ALECTO CARROW)
 
AMYCUS CARROW: My sister has been Stunned! I want to see some punishment!
McGONAGALL: Jerk.
AMYCUS CARROW: (spits in McGonagall’s face)
HARRY: Crucio!
McGONAGALL: Harry, as long as you’re OK with using Unforgivable Curses, how about pulling out the old AK once in a while? For instance, if you’d used it on Bellatrix Lestrange, instead of using Crucio, she’d be dead and a lot more characters would still be alive at the end of this book.
PETA (v.o): Plus an innocent fox at Spinner’s End!
CEDRIC DIGGORY (v.o): If I recall correctly, the first Death Eater whose life you spared was Peter Pettigrew. Thanks a lot, mate.
 
SNAPE: What’s all this, then?
McGONAGALL, FLITWICK and SPROUT: (attack SNAPE)
SNAPE: *Now* what did I do? Is this about the pay toilets in the faculty lounge again? God, I hate this job. (resigns)
 
PERCY: I’m back!
READERS: Ah, the sacrificial Weasley!
JKR (v.o): Muahahahaha!
TONKS and LUPIN: We’re here too!
HARRY: Didn’t I tell you to stay with your kid? I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
READERS: So do we.
 
Chapter 31: The Battle of Hogwarts
VOLDEMORT (in wonderful perfect quadrophonic sound with distortion levels so low as to make a brave man weep): This is Prostetnic Voldemort. Resistance is useless! But first, let me read you some of my poetry.
HOGWARTS DEFENDERS: Noooooo!!!
 
(battle begins)
 
VOLDEMORT (aside to self): No one will find the Diadem. No one but me has ever discovered the Room of Requirement!
HARRY: Yeah, nobody’s been in it except you, and me, and the late Albus Dumbledore and Dobby the House-Elf, and Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny, Fred, George, Cho, Zacharias Smith, Draco Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and about five dozen other Hogwarts students, the Carrows, Fenrir Greyback…
VOLDEMORT: Oops.
 
RON: The poor widdle house-elves! It would be wrong to order them to fight and die for us, when they are unable to choose for themselves!
HERMIONE: Oh, RON, at last you have come to share my political values! I shall snog you most amorously!
RON: Gee, if I’d known that was all it took…
RON and HERMIONE: (snog snog snog)
HMS HARMONY: Abandon ship!
HARRY: Look, guys, I’m cool with this and everything, but… Voldemort? Death Eaters? Dementors? Unfriendly giants? The Horcrux? People who aren’t house-elves, dying right now? Hey, are you two even listening to me?
GINNY (v.o.): See? Toldja.
 
HARRY: (finds diadem)
CRABBE: (shows individual personality for the first time in seven volumes, then decides to kill everybody, but only succeeds in killing himself)
HARRY: (saves Malfoy)
RON: *Why* are we saving these gits? Isn’t it kind of dangerous?
HARRY: We’re the good guys. Plus, I’ve already held Malfoy’s wand in my hand and bent it to my will. His wand serves me, now.
RON: TMI, mate.
 
FRED: (dies)
READERS: No, no, it can’t be…
FRED: (is really dead)
READERS: But we thought… Percy…
JKR (v.o): Yes, he does seem the type, doesn’t he? Muahahahaha!
READERS: Or Charlie, what about Charlie?
HMS HARMONY: Or Ron? Ron’s expendable, really.
RON: I *heard* that!
 
Chapter 32: The Elder Wand
HERMIONE: (presumably kills a couple of Death Eaters by sliding them into a stone tapestry) Harry, it’s war, not freeze tag.
PARVATI: (Doesn’t get it; uses Body-Bind on Dolohov, who will later be unfrozen and kill LUPIN.)
HARRY: (saves Draco again)
RON: (punches Draco) And no more wand talk, Harry.
 
HAGRID: (disappears under wave of giant spiders)
READERS: That’s it, we’re skipping ahead to see if Hagrid survives. If he doesn’t, we’re leaving.
JKR (v.o.): Oh, all right. Wimps.
 
VOLDEMORT: Snape, I appreciate all you’ve done for me, but I think killing you will make my wand work better.
SNAPE: Sometime I wonder why anyone ever becomes a Death Eater.
NAGINI: (bites Snape)
SNAPE: Why am I not surprised that you’re lurking here in the Shrieking Shack, Potter? Take my memories – please.
 
Chapter 33: The Prince's Tale
DEAD! SNAPE: Time for yet more backstory: So I was really in love with Lily all along, Harry, even after she dumped me for that toerag James. And everything I’ve done since I sent Voldemort after your parents has been for revenge, or remorse, or something. Emotions aren’t really my strong suit. Potions, not emotions. Anyway, Dumbledore’s plan was for you to offer your life to Voldemort, and get killed. I’ve got mixed emotions about that, but we’ve already noted that area as a weak one for me.
HARRY: This is hard for me to accept.
DEAD! SNAPE: What, that you have to die?
HARRY: No, that you were my mom’s Michael Corner; or, to put it another way, she was your Cho Chang. I don’t even want to think about this.
HET WRITERS: We do! In fact, we already have! A lot!
READERS: Now why did Dumbledore think it was so important for you to tell Voldemort when Harry was being moved from Privet Drive? Did you do anything useful for the Order after that?
DEAD! SNAPE: No, he just secretly hated Mad-Eye.
READERS: Also, how did his portrait in the headmaster’s office tell you to do that before you were headmaster?
DEAD! SNAPE: mumble wimble mimble LOOK! A BUNNY!
 
Chapter 34: The Forest Again
HAGRID: I’m alive, but a prisoner of the Death Eaters.
READERS: Whew!
JKR (evilly snickering v.o.): It’s not over till it’s over, kiddies.
VOLDEMORT: Now bind him to this stone table, everyone, and shave him!
DEATH EATERS WHO DON’T READ: What?
VOLDEMORT: What do they teach in schools these days? (uses AK)
HARRY: (dies?)
READERS WHO DIDN’T SKIP TO THE END AFTER THE BIT WITH HAGRID AND THE SPIDERS: OMG WTF no no no!
JKR (v.o.): Mua…
BLOOMSBURY, SCHOLASTIC, WARNER BROTHERS, and JKR’S KIDS: We said NO and we meant it! Down, girl!
JKR (v.o.): Oh, all right. (sulk)
 
Chapter 35: King's Cross
JKR (v.o.): This is where you go when you die.
HARRY: King’s Cross Station?
DUMBLEDORE: Here’s some more backstory. I find myself more at ease with explaining things now that I’m dead.
READERS: (Congregate at King’s Cross, now that they realize it’s a sacred place, for worship) How about St. Pancras? Does that count?
 
Chapter 36: The Flaw in the Plan
HARRY: Yep, just jesting. Not dead. Just knocked out.
HOGWARTS DEFENDERS: Yay!
NEVILLE: You think all that wand talk is symbolic? Watch this! (cuts the head off Voldemort’s snake with Gryffindor’s sword)
EVERYBODY: (Fights.)
MOLLY: (kills BELLATRIX LESTRANGE, who has already killed TONKS)
READERS: Finally.
HARRY: Time to die, Tommie. 
VOLDEMORT: But I’m the master of the Elder Wand! I killed Snape!
HARRY: Actually, I am, because I took Draco’s wand in my hand and bent it to my will. I just love saying that.
VOLDEMORT: (dies)
 
HARRY: I don’t want the Elder Wand; I just want my old wand back.
ELDER WAND: Done.
RON: Who wouldn’t want a more powerful wand?
HERMIONE: Not every wizard is insecure about his wand, Ronald.
HMS HARMONY (quietly): Yay?
 
Epilogue: Nineteen Years Later
RON: And so it was, kids, that a couple years later, on Christmas Eve, I stopped by Grimmauld Place and found Harry in the study, looking very strange, even for him. He was very pale and his eyes seemed to see things far away. “I am wounded,” he said, “wounded; it will never really heal.” It was not until afterward that I recalled that two years before on that day it had been snowy in Godric’s Hollow. And so Harry went over the sea into the West… Oh, here he is now.
HARRY: Yes, those U.S. and Canadian fans were pretty wild – I remember this one time at Phoenix Rising…
RON: Er, Harry, little pitchers, big ears, as the Yanks say.
HARRY: Oops, sorry. And here we all are at King’s Cross station, in the mist. Are you sure we’re alive? Also, why did I name my kids after a bunch of dead people? Isn’t that kind of creepy?
JAMES: Snogging snogging snogging! Isn’t that a funny word? Snogging!
PERCY: I’m still a boring prat.
JKR (v.o.): Draco! Professor Neville! Chocolate heron with Orange Crush! Hagrid! Bill and Fleur! Teddy Lupin!
READERS: Luna! Luna! Luna! What about Luna? And GeorgeDeanChoCharlieMcGonagallLavenderParvatiPadmaFirenzeKrumKreacher-SlughornMadameMaximetheDursleys and *Luna*?
JKR: Tha-a-at’s all, folks!
 
Tags: deathly hallows, harry potter, parody
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