INT. CASPIAN’S BEDCHAMBER:
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: Caspian, wake up! Your uncle is going to kill you. You have to flee. Head for the forest – they won’t dare follow you there.
CASPIAN: Whew! That’s a relief!
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: Er, what?
CASPIAN: Well, when I woke up and saw you here, and peeked at the stage directions and saw they said “INT. CASPIAN’S BEDCHAMBER” I was afraid I’d wandered into one of the less-frequented slash scripts.
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: Hm, I see your point; you’re no more relieved than I am, I assure you. But you’re not supposed to peek at the stage directions.
CASPIAN: What do you mean, you’re relieved too? I’m young and good-looking!
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: That doesn’t necessarily make you lovable. In fact, one of the people who don’t even find you likable is sending soldiers here to kill you. So get up already. Head for the forest – they won’t dare follow you there.
CASPIAN: Why would anyone want to kill me?
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: Oh, I can think of several reasons. But in this case it’s dynastic politics: Your uncle has a son, and you stand between that son and the throne. [aside] You’d think growing up as a prince in an intrigue-filled castle would give the boy an instinct for this sort of thing.
[CASPIAN and CORNELIUS hide behind an ARRAS or something]
[SOLDIERS enter and surround CASPIAN’s BED on three sides. Despite the fact that the words “CASPIAN’s BED” appear here, it’s still not slash]
GENERAL GLOZELLE: Okay, you guys who are standing directly across from each other, remember to aim *down* at the bed instead of straight across at each other. This is The Chronicles of Narnia, not Monty effing Python.
SOLDIERS: [Shoot through curtains, without bothering to check whether anyone’s in there. Despite a complete lack of screams, groans, blood, or other indication that there’s anyone in there to shoot at, they all shoot again]
NO ONE: Is in the bed.
GENERAL GLOZELLE: And this isn’t the ruddy Prancing Pony, either.
DOCTOR CORNELIUS [whispering]: Run. Run away, Caspian. And never return!
EXT. CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN
CASPIAN: [Is fleeing]
CASPIAN: [Stops fleeing] Ooh! Fireworks! Pretty! I wonder what the occasion is?
C.S. LEWIS (v.o.): The birth of your cousin, dolt. Keep moving.
CASPIAN: [flees some more]
FANGORN: [looms threateningly]
CASPIAN: [rides into forest]
SOLDIERS: [after brief hesitation, ride into forest too]
CASPIAN: Oh, sure, “Head for the forest – they won’t dare follow you there.” Thanks a lot, Doc.
DOCTOR CORNELIUS (v.o.): So they’re not as superstitious as we might have hoped. Sue me.
CASPIAN: Oh, if I live through this, I will.
DESTRIER: You know, galloping through a trackless forest at night is pretty dangerous for both of us. If I don’t break a leg first, you’re liable to get clotheslined by a tree branch sooner or later.
CASPIAN: Oh, but getting caught by the soldiers is perfectly safe.
DESTRIER: Actually, it is. For me, anyway.
TREE BRANCH: Pow!
DESTRIER: Bye now!
EXT. TRUFFLEHUNTER’s HOME IN FANGORN:
TRUFFLEHUNTER: Trumpkin, you go get captured by the soldiers. We’ll drag the boy inside.
TRUMPKIN: That certainly sounds… fair…
CASPIAN: Oh no! I’m about to be dragged into hiding by total strangers with unknown motives! I’d better sound the Horn of Gondor to let those soldiers know where I am, so they can come and…
…kill me. Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea after all.
INT. CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN:
SOLDIERS: Look what we found!
MIRAZ: Caspian’s body? Goody!
SOLDIERS: Er, no. A dwarf.
MIRAZ: That’ll do.
DONNON: When is Miraz going to get here?
SOPESPIAN: When he feels like it. He’s such a jerk.
DONNON: Oh, I don’t know. I’ve seen worse.
SOPESPIAN: Hey, aren’t you Igor Kark…
DONNON: Shh. It’s “Donnon.” I’m in hiding.
SOPESPIAN: Hey, if we’re all Telmarines, and all speaking our native language, why do we have accents?
[Enter MIRAZ with TRUMPKIN]
MIRAZ: Look! A dwarf!
TELMARINE LORDS: Um, yeah. So?
MIRAZ: So he must have captured Caspian, because Caspian’s gone and the dwarf is here! Don’t stop to consider the logic of that! They’re planning some kind of uprising against us! In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, you have to yield full control of everything to me, for a safe and secure society which I assure you will last for ten thousand years!
SOPESPIAN: First, let’s torture him and find out what he knows.
MIRAZ: I can’t do that – I have to send him where he can escape and meet up with the other Good Guys. It’s all in the Evil Overlord’s Handbook.
SOPESPIAN: Well, let me torture him, then.
KARKAROFF, I mean DONNON: No, that’s covered by the Handbook too. Lord Vold… er, someone I used to know showed me a copy once.
TRUMPKIN: This is all wrong! By rights I shouldn’t even be here!
MIRAZ: And that’s another point. We need to get him out of here for the sake of the plot.
SUSAN [to BOY]: What are you doing here? You’re not in the book.
BOY: I’m here to foreshadow your abandonment of Narnia and subsequent eternal damnation. Because you like boys.
SUSAN: Well, I don’t like you. Now naff off.
LUCY: Susan! Quit flirting with that boy and come save Peter and Edmund from the consequences of their own boyliness!
SUSAN: What, they’ve gotten into another fight?
LUCY: Yes, but they’re on the same side this time.
INT. LONDON UNDERGROUND
HOME GUARD GROWN-UPS: Break it up, boys.
EDMUND: Chastened by my experiences in Narnia, I’ve become supportive of my siblings.
PETER: I, on the other hand, have become the immature one. And I can’t stand it when people treat me like a child, after I spent so many years as a king in Narnia learning to be a mature adult, to settle quarrels amicably and peacefully, to avoid unnecessary strife…
SUSAN and LUCY: What was the fight about, anyway?
PETER: Rotten Hogwarts snobs, bragging about how they get to school on a train with private compartments, pulled by a bright red steam locomotive, while we get to school on the sodding Underground.
SUSAN, EDMUND, and LUCY: Why do we go to school by Underground, anyway?
PEOPLE WHO’VE READ THE BOOK: No idea. Jack?
C.S. LEWIS (v.o.): You’ve got me there. Haven’t the foggiest.
PETER, SUSAN, EDMUND, and LUCY: Whatever. Could we please have the transition now?
ANDREW ADAMSON (v.o.): Right, here you go.
EXT. RUINS of CAIR PARAVEL
EDMUND: What is this place?
PETER: Well, according to the stage directions, it’s the ruins of Cair Paravel.
EDMUND: Hey, that’s cheating! You’re not supposed to look at those.
TELMARINE SOLDIER #1: Heigh ho, heigh ho, to drown the dwarf we go…
TELMARINE SOLDIER #2: Does my day suck, or what? Mr. High-and-mighty Usurper Miraz can’t drown his own dwarfs in the bathtub or wherever, oh no. It’s “Take this dwarf all the way to the other end of Narnia, through the trackless forest that our people fear to the ocean that our people dread, and chuck him in.” Although I suppose it would make more sense if we’d caught him right here.
PEOPLE WHO’VE READ THE BOOK: Yeah, it really would.
SUSAN: Drop the dwarf!
TELMARINE SOLDIER #1: Sheesh, lady, that’s what we were going to do anyway.
[Throws Trumpkin in the water]
SUSAN: I said “drop,” not “toss.” Nobody tosses…
AUDIENCE: Don’t say it. Just. Don’t.
SUSAN: [sulk] [shoots TELMARINE SOLDIER #1]
TELMARINE SOLDIER #1: [Dies.]
SUSAN: [nocks another arrow]
TELMARINE SOLDIER #2: Stay in the boat and get shot, or jump into the water wearing chain mail and sink like a rock? OK, now my day *really* sucks.
[jumps in water and sinks]
SUSAN: You can’t swim! Dwarf, whatever your name is!
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK: Why is Susan the one rescuing him?
PEOPLE WHO’VE READ THE BOOK: Because she’s the best swimmer. See, in the book, the island they’re on is only thirty or forty yards from the mainland, but aside from Susan, they’re not sure they can make it the equivalent of, like, one or two laps in a swimming pool. Of course, there are hazards a swimming pool doesn’t have – sunken soldiers, submerged dwarfs…
PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE: Hey, could we have a little quiet here?
TRUMPKIN: Glub glub glub.
LUCY: Here, I’ll trade some magic medicine for some exposition.
TRUMPKIN: Deal. Hey, you’re just a bunch of kids!
LUCY: Just remember, when you get sick of short-people jokes, that you started it.
TRUMPKIN: That’s okay – I don’t actually know anything in the movie, because I was captured by the soldiers before I even found out who Prince Caspian was.
PETER: Prince who?
SUSAN: Caspian, he said. Ooh, I like the sound of that name.
EDMUND: It’s a large body of water in central Asia.
LUCY: Plus it’s the title of this movie.
EDMUND: We’re not supposed to peek at that. Peter, can I fight Trumpkin now?
TRUMPKIN: After getting kicked around by Telmarines all day, I’ve got a lot of anti-human sentiment pent up.
EDMUND and TRUMPKIN: [Fight]
LUCY: What are they fighting about, anyway?
SUSAN: It’s a boy thing. Pi**ing match.
LUCY: Oh. Remind me again why you like boys?
PETER, EDMUND, and TRUMPKIN: [are friends now]
LUCY and SUSAN: [eye-rolling]
TRUMPKIN: Let’s go to where the rest of the characters are.
LUCY: Oh, look, a cute little bear!
SUSAN: [can’t bring herself to shoot BEAR, or maybe to save LUCY]
TRUMPKIN: [shoots bear]
PEOPLE WHO’VE READ THE BOOK: Apples wrapped in bear meat! Yum!
INT. LUCY’s SUBCONSCIOUS, which looks like FANGORN:
LUCY: Why all the mind games, Aslan? Why don’t you just show up early, slay the bad guys, and save the lives of all the people who would otherwise be killed in the war?
ASLAN: Things never happen the same way twice, child.
LUCY: But last time you were late, too, and lots of people got killed before you showed up…
LUCY: Right. Never the same way twice.
SUSAN: [mumbles in sleep]
LUCY: You tell those spiders, Susan.
LUCY: Look! Aslan!
ASLAN: I’ll get you for that.
PETER: But it *is* rubbish. None of the rest of us can see you.
EDMUND: We all know Aslan likes Lucy best. It’s probably true.
PETER: I say we first spend a whole day hiking down to the Ford…
PETER: of Beruna, so the Telmarines can shoot at us.
TRUMPKIN: Well, you’re the High King.
PETER: Well, that was fun. Now let’s go Lucy’s way.
INT. TRUFFLEHUNTER’s HOME IN FANGORN:
NIKABRIK: Geez! It’s a human! Run!
TRUFFLEHUNTER: Hey, Nikabrik. It’s just a little human. Look at him. He’s so cute, and all alone! Can we keep him?
NIKABRIK: Trufflehunter, are you nuts? We’re talking about a human. Humans kill guys like us.
TRUFFLEHUNTER: But he’s so little.
NIKABRIK: He’s gonna get bigger.
TRUFFLEHUNTER: Maybe he’ll be on our side.
NIKABRIK: That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. Maybe he’ll be... Hey, I got it! What if he’s on our side? You know, having a human around might not be such a bad idea.
CASPIAN (recovering consciousness): Wha’? Who’s talking? Where are you?
TRUFFLEHUNTER: You can’t see me yet, because I’m CGI. My house is still mostly green-screen at this point.
NIKABRIK: You can see me, though.
CASPIAN: Flitwick? What are you doing here?
NIKABRIK: It’s Nikabrik, and I’m trying to convince Trufflehunter that we should kill you.
CASPIAN: Flit-a-wick? I always have trouble with those foreign names. But you’re supposed to be good!
NIKABRIK: I have a beard, see? [tugs beard] Think of me as the evil Flitwick.
CASPIAN: Can I think of you as Lep N Tha Hood?
NIKABRIK: I’d really rather you didn’t.
TRUFFLEHUNTER: To the Dancing Lawn, everyone!
CASPIAN: Dancing? Oh, goody!
NIKABRIK: Not dancing, you twit. War.
EXT. THE DANCING LAWN
GLENSTORM: Mars is bright tonight.
NIKABRIK [grumpily]: We’ve heard.
CASPIAN: Ooh! A centaur!
NIKABRIK: So here’s our plan: This kid is the rightful heir to the Telmarine throne. If we can put him there, he’ll be our puppet and we can reclaim the ancient rights of our peoples.
CASPIAN: Hey, I’m right here, Flit-Wicket!
NIKABRIK: I know. But you’re also a dolt.
GLENSTORM: Hey, where’s Trufflehunter?
NIKABRIK: He’s still being roughed in with the rest of the fully-CGI characters. Oh, look, they’ve finished Reepicheep.
CASPIAN (to REEPICHEEP): You’re a rat!
REEPICHEEP: Mouse. Unusually large mouse.
CASPIAN: Yeah, that’s what I meant.
CASPIAN (to REEPICHEEP): Wait, aren’t YOU supposed to be Flitwick? Now I’m confused.
NIKABRIK (aside): Oh, that’s a surprise!
REEPICHEEP: No, you’re thinking of the BBC Reepicheep.
YANKS IN AUDIENCE: What?
BRITS IN AUDIENCE: Nothing. Really.
PETER: Let’s ambush that minotaur soldier. He’s probably on his own. Why would soldiers travel in groups?
MINOTAUR: [is not on his own]
PETER: Prince Caspian, I presume?
CASPIAN: Er, yes. How did you know? Aside from the fact that I’m the former heir to the throne and all that, I mean?
PETER: Well, the title of this movie is apparently “Prince Caspian,” and you’re the first human we’ve met here, and you’re the right age and gender, and you seem to have your own rebel army…
CASPIAN: Hey, you’re not supposed to peek at the title!
EDMUND: That’s what I keep saying – but Lucy told us.
PETER: Anyway, we’re here to put you on the throne of Narnia, for some reason, instead of just taking it back for ourselves and staying here… Actually, maybe we can find you a nice job as Ambassador to Archenland or something like that.
LUCY: Aslan’s growling now.
PETER: Er, right, as I was saying, we’re here to set matters right in Narnia. Now what seems to be the problem? I have the feeling Trumpkin should have known more than he did, somehow.
CASPIAN: Well, it’s like this. My father’s dead and I think my uncle might have killed him, and I should be the king now, but somehow my uncle is ruling the country and I’m kind of wondering…
SUSAN: Oh, wait, I know this one! Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them?
CASPIAN: Well, yeah, but you put it so much better than I would have. [pause] Also I just noticed that you’re a girl. I mean, I didn’t just notice, it’s like really obvious and everything, but I just noticed noticed, not that I didn’t already notice that you were, like, really noticeable…
EDMUND: Here, want a shovel to dig yourself in deeper?
ASLAN [v.o]: Grrr.
PETER: Focus, prettyboy. It looks like you’re already well along the taking-arms path, anyway.
INT. ASLAN’S HOW
PETER: Here’s a cool idea: Let’s go attack the Telmarines in their castle, which will be well-protected and which none of us but Caspian has ever even seen.
LUCY: That sounds stupid.
C.S. LEWIS (v.o.) Yes, it really does.
CASPIAN: I think it’s brilliant.
INT. CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN:
CASPIAN: Doctor Cornelius! We’ve come to rescue you! Come out to the courtyard with us!
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: And that will be safer than staying in the dungeon?
INT. MIRAZ’s BEDCHAMBER
CASPIAN: Still not slash. Whew!
MIRAZ: You’re not supposed to peek at the…
CASPIAN: Yeah, yeah.
PETER [whispered, to Caspian]: Now you say “Miraz! You killed my father! Prepare to die!”
CASPIAN: Miraz! I’m gonna kill you!
PRUNAPRISMIA [pointing crossbow at CASPIAN]: I doubt it.
PETER: Hey, isn’t she your mom?
CASPIAN: No, my aunt. She never liked me.
PETER: Imagine that.
TELMARINES: [fight like some particularly inept hybrid of orc and storm trooper]
CGI PEOPLE: [still can’t win, because they’re trapped in a courtyard surrounded by high walls, and the Telmarines on the walls have crossbows]
MINOTAUR [holding up portcullis]: The bards better sing of this, that’s all I can say.
CGI PEOPLE: [die]
DOCTOR CORNELIUS, CASPIAN, and PETER: [escape]
PETER: I want to thank you, CGI people, for this important moral lesson: When you’re a king, your dumb ideas can get people killed. I don’t know why I didn’t learn that last time I was a king, but it’s sinking in now. Are you following this, Caspian?
CASPIAN: What? I was wondering if they were going to have fireworks again.
TELMARINE SOLDIERS: [break through door at top of tower]
EDMUND: Honestly, don’t any of you people ever watch movies? Even without a moth, you should have seen this one coming. [Falls over edge of tower, flies away on gryphon’s back]
INT. ASLAN’S HOW:
[PETER, CASPIAN and TRUMPKIN confront NIKABRIK, HAG, and WEREWOLF]
CASPIAN [to NIKABRIK]: I don’t believe it! I trusted you, and all this time you’ve been working with them!
NIKABRIK: You’re wrong. I haven’t been working with them, but I am now…
CASPIAN: No! Peter, don’t trust him – that’s a werewolf!
PETER: Er, yes, I noticed.
WEREWOLF: I won’t deny that I am a werewolf…
CASPIAN: Get away from me, werewolf!
CASPIAN: Oh, no, we’ve killed Flitwick!
TRUMPKIN: You bastards!
WHITE WITCH: [appears in ice]
PETER: Oh, they’ve encased her in carbonite. She should be quite well protected. If she survived the freezing process, that is.
EDMUND: [shatters ice from other side] It’s not really carbonite.
PETER: Okay, we’ve lost half our army, so we need a way to stall Miraz until someone thinks of a new plan.
EDMUND: Well, we could challenge him to single combat.
PETER: Right, he’ll go for that. Uh-huh.
C.S. LEWIS (v.o.): Hey, it’s a well-worn dramatic trope!
PETER: Oh. Well, if the Author says it’s okay…
EXT. TELMARINE CAMP:
EDMUND: My brother Peter, High King of Narnia yada yada, has sent me with an offer to resolve our differences by single combat.
MIRAZ: Hm – single combat. Intriguing. No, wait, boring. Pull off his kneecaps!
EDMUND: Ooh, I’m so scared. So whaddaya say, Miraz? You win; we all surrender; you lose, you get to attack and overwhelm us anyway.
MIRAZ: Except for the part about me being dead.
MIRAZ: Let me think it over.
SOPESPIAN: Wimp wimp wimp.
KARKAROFF DONNON: Double wimp!
SOPESPIAN: I said “wimp” three times. That’s more than a double wimp.
SOPESPIAN: Watch it.
DONNON: I meant Miraz.
SOPESPIAN: Oh, okay.
DONNON: But, upon reflection, you too. Wuss.
MIRAZ: Quiet! Since you two are obviously plotting against me and there’s no way this could possibly be any sort of trap, I’ll fight this High King and rely on you two to watch my back.
SOPESPIAN: Oh, we’ll be watching it. To find the weakest spot.
EXT. NARNIA SQUARE GARDEN:
CASPIAN: Peter and Miraz are going to fight! Whoever wins, there’s one less person between me and the throne!
PETER and MIRAZ: [Fight]
MIRAZ: [is disarmed]
PETER: Here, Caspian, kill this guy.
CASPIAN: Wuss. [doesn’t kill Miraz]
PETER: How come you didn’t kill him? This piece of filth is the reason you have no parents!
CASPIAN: I don’t think they would have wanted me to become a killer just for Miraz.
SOPESPIAN: Wimps. Or perhaps wusses. Here’s how it’s done. [Kills Miraz] See? I even used one of Susan’s arrows, to cast blame on the Narnians.
C.S. LEWIS (v.o.): Ooh, clever. Wish I’d thought of that.
SUSAN: Where’s you get one of my arrows?
SOPESPIAN: Oh, right. You’ve only shot about a million of them at us. Where do you get them all, anyway?
REEPICHEEP: It’s one of the laws of anime: No one ever runs out of ammunition.
SUSAN: But I’m live-action!
REEPICHEEP: You’re one of the few who is, though.
EXT. PELENNOR FIELDS:
TELMARINES: Let’s get our war on.
LUCY and SUSAN: Wait, we’re not fighting. We have to go somewhere.
TELMARINES: That’s okay. We’ll go with you and fight.
SUSAN: I’ll fight you. Lucy really, really has to go.
SUSAN: [does not run out of arrows]
LUCY: Trees! Wake up! A thing is going to happen that has not happened since the world was young! You are going to awake and find that you are strong!
EXT. FORDS OF BERUNA
TELMARINES: Hey, the Narnians have walking trees on their side! Can they do that?
TELMARINES: Hey, this is kind of like the Ford of Bruinen!
LUCY: Aslan, if you’re this world’s Christ-analogue, why are you calling on the pagan river-god for help?
ASLAN: It’s called syncretism, child. Look it up when you get back to England.
C.S. LEWIS (v.o.): Hey, you know what would be really cool? If we had Bacchus and Silenus in there, too. And some Wild Girls.
ANDREW ADAMSON (v.o.): Sorry, too expensive. And it would cost us our Christian street cred. Syncretism is out of fashion.
SURVIVING TELMARINES: [surrender]
ASLAN: [shows up in time to intimidate TRUMPKIN and mock REEPICHEEP]
LUCY: Finally. You missed a nice battle.
ASLAN: Things never happen the same way twice, child.
LUCY: Wait, didn’t you already say…
LUCY: Right. Never the same way twice.
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN NARNIA:
ASLAN: Here, troublemakers, step through this magic portal to only I know where – and maybe I don’t really know, either. An undiscovered country, from whose bourne no traveler returns. No one will ever see you again.
TELMARINES: Oh, that sounds tempting.
ASLAN: Here, I’ll send the Pevensies first. They’ll jump at the chance to go to a dreary English boarding school for another year or so rather than staying to rule a magic kingdom…
PEVENSIES: Yes, Telmarines, trust Aslan, as we do!
SUSAN: Wait, what does he mean by “another year or so”?
LUCY: Well, you and Peter will be graduating soon…
SUSAN: But you and Edmund won’t.
ASLAN [interrupting]: Come on, step right up, through the portal and into the London Underground, back to England, where you’ll all live long, happy, productive lives and totally won’t get killed in a train crash pretty soon or anything like that. Set a good example for the Telmarines, so I can send them to an island that’s not about to be destroyed in a volcanic eruption or ravaged by diseases to which the Telmarines have no resistance or invaded or swamped by a hurricane storm surge or…
DOUBTING TELMARINE: Hey, he never said why the island is uninhabited now, did he?
SUSAN: You’ll miss me most of all, Caspian! [kiss]
NEIL GAIMAN (v.o.): [Hums theme to Jaws]
INT. LONDON UNDERGROUND:
PEVENSIES: Hey, why are we all getting on the same train?
PEOPLE WHO’VE READ THE BOOK: Yeah, why?
ANDREW ADAMSON (v.o.): Because it makes a better ending.
EDMUND: At least I still get the last word!