| Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe movie parody |
[Dec. 13th, 2005|10:30 pm] |
The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe parody
(Warning: Chock full of spoilers, of course.)
{I've edited this very slightly to correct two names -- Maugrim and Ginarrbrik.)
[SCENE: The Battle of Britain]
GERMAN PILOT: Mein Hund hat keine Nase!
GERMAN BOMBARDIER: Wie riecht er?
GERMAN PILOT: Schrecklich!
SOUNDTRACK: London Burning
[SCENE: The Pevensie home]
MA PEVENSIE: It’s those dratted Germans again! Quick, everyone, to the shelter.
PETER: Edmund, let’s establish some dramatic tension between us.
EDMUND: Okay. I’ll be rebellious and irresponsible. You be an overbearing prig.
PETER: Got it.
LUCY & SUSAN: What about us?
PETER & EDMUND: Don’t worry. You’ll get your turn.
[SCENE: Train station with decorative rubble]
MA PEVENSIE: Now, children, let me identify each of you by your first names, just in case there’s anyone in the audience who hasn’t read the book.
[SCENE: Train platform in the middle of nowhere]
MS. MacREADY: I’m so delightfully unpleasant that it’s a pity I’m not given more to do in this movie.
[SCENE: Gormenghast-on-Wold]
LUCY: Let’s play hide-and-seek!
SUSAN: Peter, what does “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” mean?
PETER: Hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s play hide-and-seek!
*a little while later*
LUCY: *opens wardrobe*
SNAPE IN A DRESS: Steps out of wardrobe.
LUCY: Ridiculous!
SNAPE IN A DRESS: Close enough. *vanishes*
LUCY: *steps into wardrobe*. I wonder if there’s more weird stuff in here.
FREUDIANS IN AUDIENCE: The dark, enclosed space… the fur coats… the emergence into light…
REST OF AUDIENCE: Oh, shut up.
[SCENE: Winter Wonderland]
MR. TUMNUS: Want to come to my cave, little girl?
LUCY: It’s winter, and you’re not wearing any clothes. Sure, I’ll come to your cave. *they go to cave*
MR. TUMNUS: Thank you. That will make it much easier to turn you over to the White Witch. Have a drugged drink and listen to some magical lullabies.
LUCY: This would be even creepier if you weren’t so gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
MR. TUMNUS: Wait, I’ve changed my mind. Let me help you get back to your world.
LUCY: Won’t you be in danger?
MR. TUMNUS: I’ll be arrested, tortured, imprisoned, and turned to stone. Maybe this isn’t such a good…
LUCY: Thx bye!
[SCENE: Gormenghast-on-Wold]
LUCY: There’s another world inside the wardrobe!
PETER, SUSAN, and EDMUND: Let’s see! Oops, actually there isn’t.
LUCY: Sulk.
EDMUND: Sneer.
PETER: Edmund, you’re such a jerk.
SUSAN: Peter, you’re such a bully.
*nighttime*
LUCY: *sneaks into wardrobe*
EDMUND: *sneaks in after Lucy*
[SCENE: Winter Wonderland. EDMUND is standing by the lamp post that the PEOPLE WHO’VE READ THE BOOKS recognize from The Magician’s Nephew.]
THE WHITE WITCH: Want some candy, little boy?
EDMUND: Wow! Creepy grown-ups offering treats! Just like Lucy said! At least this one’s got some clothes on!
WHITE WITCH: Turn over your brothers and sisters to me, and I shall be Queen of Narnia forever! All shall love me and despair!
EDMUND: Er, right. And can I get some more of this Turkish Delight?
AMERICANS IN AUDIENCE: Is “Turkish Delight” a code word for opium or something?
BRITS IN AUDIENCE: No, it’s much more addictive than that.
WHITE WITCH: *leaves*
LUCY: *arrives* Hi, Edmund. Now do you believe me?
EDMUND: Yeah, but I’m still nasty.
[SCENE: Gormenghast-on-Wold]
LUCY: Peter, Lucy, wake up! Edmund’s been to Narnia too! He can restore my credibility!
EDMUND: Could, but won’t.
LUCY: *cries*
MRS. MacREADY: For some reason I’m supposed to comfort you.
PROFESSOR: Peter, Susan, what’s the matter with you? Are you honestly saying you believe Edmund over Lucy?
PETER & SUSAN: Uh, yeah.
*later, in the daytime*
PETER: Let’s play cricket. Maybe Edmund and I can use this tension between us to break a window and start the plot moving again.
EDMUND: Done. Let’s all hide in the wardrobe.
[SCENE: Winter Wonderland]
LUCY: Let’s put on fur coats and go visit Mr. Tumnus.
PETER: Should we take him one too?
*Mr. Tumnus’ house*
PETER: Well, the house is trashed and Mr. Tumnus is gone, but luckily whoever did it left a note. *reads* It’s signed “Maugrim, Captain of the Secret Police.”
AMERICANS IN AUDIENCE: Hey, that’s supposed to be Fenris Ulf!
BRITS IN AUDIENCE: No it’s not!
BIRD: Hey, kids!
BEAVER: Oh… sweet… Aslan’s … mane. Four monsters wearing *furs*! I hope those didn’t come from any of my friends and relations, or PETA will be hearing about this. So *you’re* the ones who are going to save Narnia? I was expecting someone taller. Well, let’s go to my place. It’s close to the Witch’s castle, so it’ll be easier for Edmund to betray us after I’ve revealed our secret plans. Further in! (That’s called “foreshadowing.” Is Disney really planning on making a movie of The Last Battle?)
[SCENE: The Beavers’ house]
Mrs. BEAVER: My husband and I are filling in as comic relief. The Weasley twins couldn’t make it.
Mr. BEAVER: Okay, here’s our secret plan. Got that, Edmund? Cameraperson, see how long you can keep showing three of the Pevensie kids before the audience notices that Edmund is missing.
LUCY: Let’s rescue Mr. Tumnus and save Narnia.
SUSAN: No, let’s go back to Earth.
PETER: See, I told you you’d get your dramatic tension.
*eventually the Pevensies notice Edmund is missing*
[SCENE: Ext. the Ice Castle]
PETER: Too late! Edmund’s inside! Is there another way in?
MR. BEAVER: A little path leading up into the mountains; and then a stair, a narrow stair, O yes, very long and narrow. And then more stairs. And then – *lowers voice* a tunnel, a dark tunnel; and at last a little cleft, and a path high above the main pass.
PETER: Er, no thanks.
MR. BEAVER: Well, then, maybe Aslan can help.
[SCENE: Int. the Ice Castle]
EDMUND: Whoa, creepy statues. Look at this wolf one.
MAUGRIM: Grrr.
EDMUND: Hey, you’re the one that left the note. How do wolves write notes, anyway?
WHITE WITCH: Ginarrbrik, please put our guest in chains. I feel like slapping him around a bit.
GINARRBRIK: On a second date, Your Majesty?
[SCENE: The Ice Dungeon]
EDMUND: My life sucks.
MR. TUMNUS: Not as much as mine. I’ve been arrested, tortured, and imprisoned, and soon I’m going to be turned to stone. The only thing that cheers me up is seeing you here, because it means you’re fighting against the White Witch, so Narnia will be saved.
WHITE WITCH: Hi, Mr. Tumnus. I see you’re making friends with the person who turned you over to me.
MR. TUMNUS: Okay, now my life *really* sucks.
[SCENE: The Beavers’ house]
MR. BEAVER: Well, your brother has told the Witch where we are by now. Let’s get moving.
MS. BEAVER: But we need jam! And rubber bands! And a rowboat, in case the rivers melt! And a curling iron! And monkey chow!
MR. BEAVER: Monkey chow? Why do we need monkey chow?
MS. BEAVER: For the monkeys, of course!
MAUGRIM and WOLF PACK: *attack*
MR. BEAVER: Good thing we put in these tunnels. I used to use them for smuggling Turkish Delight. Never thought I’d be smuggling myself.
[SCENE: Winter Wonderland]
MR. BEAVER: Uh-oh. Everyone’s gotten stoned. Ha-ha, get it? “Stoned”?
FOX: Do I remind you of Antonio Banderas as Puss In Boots?
MR. BEAVER: Not really.
MRS. BEAVER: Ask me that when Mr. B’s not around.
FOX: Well, I’m off to get captured by the Witch.
MR. BEAVER: Well, everybody must get stoned. Get it?
*later*
WOLVES: *abuse FOX*
FOX: They went thataway.
WHITE WITCH: Fox, reveal your secrets.
FOX: No.
WHITE WITCH: Die!
EDMUND: Wait, I’ll tell you! *tells*
FOX: Now *my* life really sucks. Thanks a lot, dipstick.
WHITE WITCH: Petrificus Totalis!
FOX: *turns to stone*
[SCENE: Winter Wonderland. PETER, SUSAN, LUCY and the BEAVERS are hiding from someone on a reindeer-pulled sleigh.]
MR. BEAVER: It’s okay. It’s not the Witch!
AMERICANS IN AUDIENCE: Yeah, but who *is* it?
BRITS IN AUDIENCE: *roll eyes to ceiling*
FATHER CHRISTMAS: No toys. Here, have some lethal weapons and a magic healing potion.
AMERICANS IN AUDIENCE: Wow, Father Christmas is cool! *Make plans to emigrate to UK*
FATHER CHRISTMAS: Oh, and all the snow and ice is going to melt.
[SCENE: Melting river]
WOLVES: We kill you!
PETER: Uh…
WOLVES: Are you going to kill us? Go on, use that sword you can barely lift!
PETER: Uh…
WOLVES: Wimp.
FROZEN WATERFALL: *melts*
AUDIENCE: How come they’ve just been dipped in a river that must be just around zero degrees Celsius, and they’re wearing sodden fur coats that must weigh about a hundred pounds, and no one’s showing any signs of hypothermia, or even of being a little bit cold?
[SCENE: CGI springtime; the Witch’s camp]
WHITE WITCH: Tie the human boy to a tree, and gag him.
GINARRBRIK: Whatever you say, Your Twistedness.
[SCENE: Aslan’s camp]
GOOD CGI PEOPLE: Welcome, live-action characters and Beavers! Meet our war leader, General Badass Centaur!
SUSAN: Look, horny Wookies!
AUDIENCE: Trying not to think about it.
SUSAN: I mean Wookies with horns. Really, you people. I should just be glad that we’re all siblings, so at least there’ll be no shipping.
FICWRITERS IN AUDIENCE: Pevensiecest!
LUCY: Like, is Aslan around anywhere?
ASLAN: *emerges from tent* I am Aslan, the great and terrible. Who are you, and why do you seek me? [Aside] Am I not the coolest piece of CGI you’ve ever seen?
GOOD CGI PEOPLE: We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!
GENERAL BADASS CENTAUR: Well, except for me, of course.
LUCY: Our brother Edmund has really screwed up this time, and I wondered if you could help save his sorry backside.
ASLAN: Yeah, I can, but it’s gonna hurt. First things: General Badass Centaur, can you go raid the Witch’s camp and bring the kid back here?
GENERAL BADASS CENTAUR: Color it done, my lord.
MAUGRIM: Grrrr.
LUCY and SUSAN: *Jump into tree*
GOOD CGI PEOPLE: Let’s save them!
ASLAN: No. It’s time for Peter to start earning his keep around here.
PETER: Leave them alone or I’ll point my sword at you!
MAUGRIM: You again! Ooh, I’m *so* frightened. *leaps at sword*
PETER: *stands there holding sword*
MAUGRIM: This may not have been the best move. *lands on sword* *dies*
[SCENE: The Witch’s camp. GINARRBRIK is tied to a tree.]
WHITE WITCH: This isn’t exactly what I had in mind, Brik.
GINARRBRIK: Are you going to kill me?
WHITE WITCH: Not yet. This situation has… possibilities.
GINARRBRIK: No! It totally doesn’t! Go ahead and kill me!
[SCENE: Aslan’s camp]
GENERAL BADASS CENTAUR: Here’s the kid.
WHITE WITCH: Hey, that’s *my* traitor! Give him back! By the way, I traded in the reindeer for this litter carried by cyclopses. Cyclops? Cyclopes?
GOOD CGI PEOPLE: Tacky. Very tacky.
ASLAN: Let’s go have a secret conference.
GOOD CGI PEOPLE, PEVENSIES, and AUDIENCE: I wish I knew what they were talking about.
NEIL GAIMAN: Well, okay, but you’re not going to like it.
ASLAN: Okay, we’ve got a deal: The kid walks, and the Witch gets to kill me.
LUCY and SUSAN: We’ll tag along to watch.
ASLAN: Whatever floats your boats.
[SCENE: The Stone Table. ASLAN walks up the stairs.]
BAD CGI PEOPLE: Aslan, we jeer at you! It’s very symbolic!
WHITE WITCH: We kill you! No, wait…
GINARRBRIK: She’s going to say it, I know she is.
WHITE WITCH: Bind him first!
GINARRBRIK: I knew it. One-track mind.
WHITE WITCH: Oh, and shave him, too.
GINARRBRIK: That’s really a little warped, don’t you think?
WHITE WITCH: *kills Aslan*
ASLAN: *is dead*
BAD CGI PEOPLE: *go off to get their war on*
LUCY and SUSAN: Let’s spend the night here, lying on the dead lion.
MICE: *chew ropes* One of our descendants will be Reepicheep.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T READ THE BOOKS: Who?
LUCY and SUSAN: *waking up* We’d better send a Leaf-O-Gram to the boys and General Badass Centaur to let them know that Aslan’s dead. We wouldn’t want them to go into battle with high morale based on incorrect information.
[SCENE: Aslan’s camp]
PETER: Aslan’s dead. Bummer. I guess we’ll just have to let the Witch and her evil CGI army kill us all.
GENERAL BADASS CENTAUR: Or we could fight.
PETER: Yeah, that’s an idea. Let’s go get our war on. Where’s my unicorn?
[SCENE: The Pelennor Fields]
WHITE WITCH: I traded in the Cyclopses for these polar bears. Whaddaya think?
GENERAL MINOTAUR: I shall now howl like a Wookie. Please do not take it as a comment on your bears.
WHITE WITCH: I changed my hair to match my war-vest, too.
ORC NUMBER 35,734: Hey, Orc Number 35,375! Good to see you again!
ORC NUMBER 35,735: Yeah, you too. We must have answered the same casting call.
BATTLE: *rages*
[SCENE: The Stone Table]
STONE TABLE: *breaks*
ASLAN: Just kidding! Not dead. Got my hair back, too. It’s very symbolic!
LUCY and SUSAN: Kewl.
ASLAN: For your loyalty, Lucy, I shall reward you. You shall always be my favorite.
SUSAN: And what about me?
ASLAN: For your loyalty, Susan, I shall string you along for a while, but in Book Seven you shall suffer a horrible tragedy, followed by eternal damnation.
NEIL GAIMAN: Toldja you wouldn’t like it.
ASLAN: Now that’s out of the way. Let’s go unfreeze everyone the Witch petrified so they can go get killed fighting her army.
[SCENE: The Pelennor Fields]
PETER: I’m down!
GENERAL BADASS CENTAUR and LOCO RHINO: We’ll save you!
GENERAL BADASS CENTAUR: *slices and dices* I am one macho son of a mare!
WITCH: Guess what? I’m ambidextrous!
EDMUND: *dies**but not really, because he’s not CGI*
PETER and WHITE WITCH: *duel*
[SCENE: The Ice Castle]
MR. TUMNUS: Ouch. Hi, Lucy. And you must be Susan. Would you like to come to my cave?
ASLAN: First we have to go fight the evil CGI army, so that more people can get killed until I have a chance to bite the Witch’s head off.
MR. TUMNUS: I’m a lover, not a fighter.
[SCENE: The Pelennor Fields]
LUCY, SUSAN, ASLAN, MR. TUMNUS and more GOOD CGI PEOPLE: *arrive*
BATTLE: *rages*
ASLAN: *leaps at Witch*
WHITE WITCH: *dies*
BAD CGI PEOPLE: *dissolve and blow away*
EDMUND: *is dying*
LUCY: Luckily Father Christmas gave me this magical healing potion. Here you go, Edmund. I wonder if anyone else needs some? I wonder if there might have been fewer seriously wounded if some lions I could name had gotten a move on and killed certain witches a bit earlier?
SUSAN: Don’t pester him with so many questions. Take it easy; he’s been dead.
LUCY: Right, right, sorry.
[SCENE: Cair Paravel. 1500 bedrooms, no baths. Good location, ocean view, walk to beach, close to school and shops.]
ASLAN: Now you are the rulers of all of the inhabitants of Narnia.
GENERAL BADASS CENTAUR: Centaurs are not ruled by humans! Centaurs do not recognize your laws; we do not acknowledge your superiority! Do you imagine that we are just pretty talking horses?
PHILIP: No, that would be *me.* Get over yourself already.
GENERAL BADASS CENTAUR: Oops, sorry. Forgot where I was for a moment.
MR. TUMNUS: Lucy, can we hold hands now?
[SCENE: The Lantern Waste]
WHITE STAG: Follow me. I’m like a White Rabbit in Reverse.
PETER, SUSAN, EDMUND, and LUCY: *are adults* *find their way back to the wardrobe*
FREUDIANS IN AUDIENCE: The return to the small dark place… the fur coats…
REST OF AUDIENCE: Oh, *do* shut up.
[SCENE: Gormenghast-on-Wold]
PROFESSOR KIRKE: Look at this cricket ball I found. By the way, I built that wardrobe out of wood from a tree that grew from a seed I brought from Narnia, but I’m not going to explain anything about that to you or the audience. You’ll just have to look it up for yourselves. |
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